Jumping Off A Bridge

This is not a metaphor. It happened. Someone I know jumped off a bridge. It's completely altered my state of mind and I feel frightened. It's an exposed feeling and I feel very vulnerable to the different things surrounding me. My sense of reality is parched and concentration ebbs but for the breathe I take in, and the breath I let out. I didn't know him very personally, but I think it is for this that I feel most shaken by the situation. We went to school together. I remember always knowing who he was and having spoke to him maybe on two different accounts. He was in my Drama class. He put on a dress for a scence once and made everyone laugh. His friends were mine and mine were his, but we didn't know each other. This makes me reaffirm the grand idea I hold dear that life is so precious and so full of such detail. I don't know why I didn't know him and I wish I had. What if? I know my influence would have been insignificant, but in times like these the thought of what if is inevitable. I feel overwhelmed and was told all I could do for him is pray. I wonder what people feel and I feel it kind of funny that moments after receiving the news, I felt it necessary to type out my thoughts in order to receive solace. I'm scared for people and I'm scared for the awful things that happen to us. It's so easy to live the way I do...to be carelessly happy and trot along with simple notions and romances. But these demons make themselves present and rattle your understanding and comfort of what life is to its core. The world, though very beautiful, is very ugly. I hate it. I am disgusted by myself. How could one possibly ever go on with the idea of peace and love and happiness when such awful things aren't retained. They burst in uninvited and toss you to the ground like a rag doll. The sheer conception of anything lit by a bright eminence and decorated by streamers and balloons is stupid. There is no need. It feels like a tired facade for it has been here all the while and no one dared mention it to their neighbor. This then brings my great disillusionment with all things trite and unoriginal. It then makes me think how incredibly scary it is to hold one's ignorance dear to you. But why? Why are we striving for things we do not know. Why is it that the thoughts already thunk by greater thinkers are revolving around our heads, but when grasped upon it is like a sense of an epiphany, but it is not. It is a reaffirmation of stupidity. I don't know anymore. I wish for humility and acceptance for myself and friends, but the concept is so silly and so vast. It's hard to find a point to it all and I know bad feelings go away, but why is nothing retained? Why is it all lost and replaced with such superficial and selfish ideas? It's times like these I feel very ashamed of the human race. Cynicism is something rooted in me and I shun it so often for hopes of my character to be more pleasing instead. But why? I wonder and am left baffled. So what's the point of even going on?