I Just Want So Badly To...

Brows furrowed, head throbbed and words and breaths formed short. The wonder of what was, is and could be become entangled in a thought bubble that floats above a tussled mess of vanity. The stillness is overwhelming and walls around and around her go up and up. It’s too much of something sending thoughts spiraling into a deep. Senselessly making sense of things that ought to have been thought of on several different accounts, but all in question delve deeper still. Among it there were warm and inviting sensations, but no single one had been able to distinguish any other entity from any sort of anything else. It was an endless mess of ideas toppling over one another that drove her into this deep, clinging to the indentations of stone all around, but slipping and losing fingernails as they rose further up. Driving deeper still, it seemed pointless. It’s inexplicable, and yet even more so is the acceptance of such a belonging. For even in every moment of exacerbation, the ensuing grief was tirelessly pursued. Around and around and up and up, searching and hoping for the release. A sort of relief was in itself an entity, not a feeling or an idea, but something sought after…something to believe in. It made sense, but it was the only thing. Its sheer existence proved a worth-while and purpose. Therein was her meaning. It had to be the only thing worth understanding and thusly the only thing worth pursuing. And even still, mottled with rage, she would let the deep take her in. It was only so often, the thought of what was drove her. Clarity begat energy and understanding, but it was never enough before she sat even lower than before in the deep, sprawled in dirt and disgusted by her failure. Relentlessly still, after seeping in the defeat, it was understood what would come next only because it was the only thing left to understand. She climbed and climbed and kept climbing, seeking her something to believe in.